I went looking for a new coat the other day online, because what with the way gas prices are, and having to lug the contrary and unobliging Shake everywhere*, I haven’t the patience to hop into the truck and cruise the city in search of the things I need let alone want.

After about half an hour of m’eh after m’eh, I found the perfect coat on Overstock.com. This one. But after I got my hopes all up — got excited and squishy over what I now considered MY coat — I noted the “sold out” marker in bright red letters where the button that would allow me to buy MY coat should have been. O NOEZ!!

I had to have the goddamn coat. Just had to. I would shrivel up and DIE if I didn’t get it. Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but somewhere deep inside me there was a tiny girl who had just crumpled into a ball and was screaming, “MINE MINE MINE!!” as she punctuated each cry with the smack of a chubby little fist on the floor.

My inner child is ornery, to say the least.

After a long and seemingly fruitless search all over the interwebs, I managed to find ONE of these coats on eBay. Only it’s not navy with red trim, but black on black. And it’s a large. I’m not a large, but by gosh, I’ll get the thing tailored if it’ll make my inner crybaby shut up.

And if any one of you manages to find this coat and outbids me, I will personally hunt you down and spork you to death.

* She’s really a very well behaved and happy baby until I test her with hours of In-and-Out of the Truck games.